"I just can't do divorce."

Have you ever had a moment when someone close to you tells you something about themselves that you just never knew?

This happened to me a few days ago with a friend I encounter on a weekly basis. I’m going to refer to her as Sam.

Sam is always a light-hearted soul to be around. She is the type of person to walk in, give you a hug, and make a point to ask you how you are doing, how your week has been, and what you are stressed about.

Sam knows I am constantly stressed out, and always gives me a pep talk. It’s always something along the lines of “Allie, in two years from now, all of this won’t matter because we will be smooth sailing with our kick ass jobs in New York.”

The other day, the subject of families came up, and I realized she had never told me about her family, even though I always blabber on about mine. That’s where the story begins. It’s also where I realized how strong of a person Sam is, and how I have taken a lot in my life for granted.

Sam’s mom works in the military. So, Sam was born in Germany and then moved to the states as a baby. In her earliest years, she was living in New York with her aunt and grandma. Her mom was in Georgia at the time as a single mom, working to afford a home for the two of them to eventually live in.

She did so, and Sam and her mom lived in Georgia for about four years. The first male figure to become important in Sam’s life was introduced to her at this time. It was at the church they went to –Sam remembers how one of her mom’s friend would sit her on his lap and play the piano. He was a musician at the church, and would later become Sam’s dad.

Sam and her mom moved to Fayetteville, North Carolina, so that her mom could serve at Fort Bragg. Sam said she remembers being woken up in the early hours of the morning/middle of the night because her mom didn’t want to leave her alone in the house, as it was only the two of them living together. Her mom had training in the morning, so Sam would be bundled in blankets, sleeping in the back seat of the car while it was still dark out, waiting for her mom to get off work.

It was just her and her mom in Fayetteville until the end of elementary school. The man she remembers from the church in Georgia became further involved with her mom at this time, and they got married.

Sam especially remembers him taking her to the fair with him every year. She said the day her mom got married was one of the happiest days of her life. Their wedding was a small gathering at a church.

A few years later, her world crashed as her two parents sat her down on the couch, and told her they were getting a divorce.

They had done such a good job hiding it, she was confused. She said she remembered small spats here and there, but it never dawned on her how serious it was.

So, her dad stayed in the house they all lived in, and Sam and her mom moved in to her aunt’s house. Her mom was back to being a single mom. She worked tirelessly to save money so the two of them could go back to having a place of their own.

Sam found out the reason her parents divorced was because her dad cheated on her mom. This tore her apart – she was close with her dad, but how could he hurt her mom so badly?

Her dad ended up moving to Maryland. Sam feared their relationship would crumble due to the divorce and the physical distance.

Her mom used to make her call her dad so that they stayed in touch over the years, and Sam visited him once or twice. But- the move distanced their relationship, as she feared.

When Sam was in 8th grade, she met her biological father for the first time. She went her whole life not knowing who he was. He didn’t play a role in her life other than paying for child support.

She was off to spend her week-long spring break with him. He picked her up in his car and they drove to Georgia. Sam said she was mostly excited to meet her sister (his other daughter). The trip was alright, but Sam felt uncomfortable with the nature of the trip.

He hadn’t been her dad, and now he was asserting himself as if he was. He was still a stranger to her.

She ended up visiting her biological father again over summer, and that’s when she lost all respect for the man.

Details are personal, but she ended up not talking to him for a long time.

Her dad (the man she grew up with, who moved to Maryland after the divorce) remarried when Sam was in high school. Maintaining a relationship with him was hard enough, and then he committed himself to a whole new family.

And get this – he sent Sam a link to a live streaming of the Las Vegas wedding.

College applications were around the corner, and there was stress between Sam and her mom over prom, graduation, etc.

Sam applied for mainly Ivy League schools, and her hard work paid off, as she landed interviews with Harvard and University of Pennsylvania.

After an acceptance letter to UNC Chapel Hill came in the mail, Sam and her mom were ecstatic. Her mom even let her get her belly button pierced (something that had apparently been a long winded battle).

Sam now thrives at Carolina- she’s raking in A’s, brightening people’s days, staying involved on campus, and dreaming big.

She said she has learned a lot from growing up without a dad. She recognizes how strong of a woman her mom is – the last time she was home, her and her mom popped open a bottle of champagne and sat down together, enjoying each other’s company. They have gotten closer over the years, through all of the hardship. Sam said her mom is the person she can always turn to.

Sam declares herself to be a “one and done” person because of everything she has been through and seen. She vowed to never divorce, and says she won’t marry someone unless she knows he will be there all of her life- “I just can’t do divorce.”

I knew Sam rocked, but I had no idea that the odds have been against her for the duration of her childhood. I admire Sam for her strength, her mom for her determination to provide for their family, and have empathy in my heart for all of the single moms out there who work relentlessly to put their children first.

I have taken for granted that I have always had the same mom and dad, working together as a team. I have also taken for granted that I have never experienced divorce. I think Sam is a reminder to everyone that you may think you know someone, but everyone has their own unique layers underneath the surface that help define who they are.

You never know until you ask.

#Divorce #Militaryfamilies